Alright, I have almost always kept a journal through my life and oddly right now I haven't written any of my "true" feelings about this pregnancy down. When I found out I was pregnant w/ Adrienne I wrote pages and pages of thoughts down (I was 19, not married yet, working, in school, broke, etc,...)
Now, with 3 babies you would think I have so much more to write about... I think I am still truly at a loss for words with this surprise blessing. Adam and I knew we wanted to try for one more and when I found out there was 3.... I don't know, the shock hasn't FULLY worn off. Everyday, I remind myself that god would never give me more than I can handle (which i truly believe). I also remind myself that I am a good mom and Adam is an amazing dad.... Adrienne will be such a sweet sister.... the list goes on! But, once in a while I let my thought/hormones get the best of me. I wonder if having 3 babies will be so stressful that it takes the joy out of being a mom. I am almost 100% sure we're done with kids... I hate the idea of looking back at this pregnancy and the newborn stage and possibly realizing I didn't fully enjoy it. I catch myself looking at my moving stomach and its odd to think that at 22 I'll never experience the miracle of growing a child again. Okay, I'm going all over the place (sorry)......
I'm completely terrified that while Adam is in Afghanistan (sometime this fall for about a year) I will simply become miserable. I'm already starting to feel isolated because even though I have just a few friends; they have their own lives. None of which have children, nor are married... I know I need to meet people I have more in common with. I guess I just know the reality of meeting someone who understands the pressure of being a young parent of 4 children will be hard to come by.
Sorry if I sound like I am pitying myself, because I don't think I am... I guess I'm just expressing my stresses! Because on the flip side, I am beyond lucky to know that I am young, healthy, have a wonderful family, and that my babies will be so loved and well taken care of and provided for.
I think before the babies come I need to really try to find a parents of multiples support group and even possibly talk to a therapist/life coach. I know its hormones now, but I know I am at a higher risk of depression... and honestly some nights, I wonder if I am already(?!) Like I said before, I want to enjoy all my babies and their childhood, I know I'll have help but I just feel so overwhelmed right now.
A few more things to bitch about:
-I am SO sick of people asking if I took fertility drugs. I'm not offended, but I wonder since when is it a question that is okay to ask a stranger (?) Or, if I had, would it then offend me (?)
-I wish my dad and siblings wanted to be more involved in my life and my daughters
-I love Adam more than anything but I just wish/hope/pray he gets accepts this SOON (I don't want to write about his feelings on here, but obviously men have a harder time accepting change than women. Especially in the baby dept)
-Oh! I'm sure the hormones make me cry more than normal... but my reflection in the mirror does too. I hate not being the kind of person that finds myself beautiful while pregnant. I have no "glow"!!! My skin is dry, I'm broken out, I cannot breathe AT ALL, standing hurts, my back aches, my boobs leak, my throat is dry, and of course I'm carrying an extra 40 lbs and I am sure there are more lbs to come..........
If you've read all this.... then, thank you! I hope I don't sound like a horrible person anywhere on here, but I can't sleep and needed to "write"
~Sam
All these feelings & emotions are normal girl! Just take it one day at a time, and your right God wouldn't give you any more then you can handle. Some days are going to be harder then other's, but at the end of the day you are a strong, amazing Mother to 4 kids, and your life might get a little crazy but it will be worth it and they will fill you with joy and happiness each and every day just seeing the smile on their little faces. It does help to have other mommy friends and to have play dates & be able to talk with other mom's who know what your going through, and if you could get into a muliple support group that would be really good and help a lot & meet other mom's who have multipe's and become friends with! Don't stress to much everything is going to be just fine!:]
ReplyDeletemultiples* lol I can't spell that word today i guess haha
ReplyDeleteI really wish we lived closer. Even though I don't have 4 babies, I do have two and sometimes it feels like 100. Reading this is like reading my own feelings sometimes so just know it's not just because you are having triplets. Billy and I love you and Adam and Adrienne and we will do everything we can to help you guys out. <3
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Sammy! I love you. You do not sound like a horrible person you sound perfect. No one is perfect in this life and if you were to being all dandy and excited 24.7 then something would be wrong, then i'd be telling you ok girl you need to get help! But you are having the raw emotions of the truth and your life. You are 22 yrs old annd you still have tons of life ahead of you, life that will go on with 4 kids. Just think that with love and support and the great mom that you are everything will be ok. You will be going for 48 hours without sleep im sure, you will yell at adrienne, you will go in a bathroom and cry the whole time in the shower but your kids and your husband will know you love them and in time things will fit and you'll back and the life you had before your 4 kids will be a mere memory and you'll say "man I can't even remember not being a mom and not having my babies". Not to toot my own horn but i have an over whelming love for babies and children no matter whose kids they are I tag on to them and love them and I would be more then happy to be ur momm friend :) Adrienne and Madenn can play at parks together, and swim together and we can hold lil babies and so much more. Adrienne would love a friend to have and so would you and Madenn and I are here for you guys :) love you
ReplyDeletethank u all so much! love u all too. Its crazy what being up at 2am does to your mind/emotions... and im also really glad you guys can relate!
ReplyDeleteHey its ur cousin Morgan...I dont know if it tells u that. I just wanted to say I know we haven't seen each other in yrs but I just wanna give u a big hug! I love that u can be so honest. N I think u r so incredibly strong! U r going to be an AMAZING mother to all these babies! U guys r in my prayers n if u ever just want to talk I can message u my number n u can just vent!
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